Reconciled Roots

Grandma and Aunt Teri with the dinner.

Uncle John taking the 4-wheeler out.

Cousin Matt deep-frying a turkey.

Cousin Jimmy and me.

Yesterday was one of the best Thanksgiving days I've had in a really long time. I think it is partially due to the fact that I have a cousin who has a 2-year-old daughter and another cousin who is eight months pregnant. It's funny what babies will do to a family. All tension and common lifestyle disagreements are thrown out the window and the focus is on the new generations to come.

Baby aroma is not the only reason for a high-spirited holiday yesterday. I think things are finally turning back to normal and everyone is getting a little older and less apt to jump on one another. Whatever has been lingering around in the air for the past couple of years seems to have flown out the window. I'm thankful for that. I also think it's refreshing to realize where you come from sometimes. Whether or not you agree with each other, you still come from the same place and share the same people in your lives until the end of time. It's nice to explore the roots that don't visit you every day.

And to end, I'm going to give a 2009 Top Reasons to be thankful:

*Warning- these are very standard. I'm sorry I couldn't be more witty. I'm sentimental*

1. Family. They know you best and in the worst of times they will always be there. Well, they kind of have to be, but I think they kind of want to be there, too. Whether you like it or not. Plus, it's fun having a little brother who is turning into a young man. He's pretty darn cool.

2. Friends. Connections and true, unconditional friendships are hard to run by the older you get. I feel blessed to have found people I truly care about to be in my life. We may not hang out all of the time, and we might be separated by transitions,state lines, or whatever else, but the presence and memory is always there.

3. The Northwest. I love the northwest. I don't have a whole lot to say about this, but I do know how amazing I felt when I saw real mountains again driving through Northern California this summer. And the feeling intensified as I made my way closer to Missoula, Montana.

4. Health. This past year I learned how good it feels to eat healthy food and exercise frequently. It makes a world of difference on your attitude and the perceptions around you. It just takes stepping out the door and fighting the little red guy on your right shoulder.

5. The sun. Cheesy? Maybe. But when taken away, shoulders slump and frowns flourish. The inversion takes some getting used to, but whenever the sun shows it's face, people are noticeably happier. Bring the sun. Maybe I will move to California someday.

Dwelling on the "Book of Myths"

Oregon Coast, January 2009

This poem really struck a chord with me a couple of weeks ago.

We have read several poems in my literature class over the course of the semester, many of which I have truly enjoyed, but "Diving into the Wreck" is the one poem I have read from this class that truly hit home for some reason. Even after the first reading, without any prior notion of what it was about or where the poet was coming from, I felt drawn to it.

The poem is about a diver entering the depths of the sea to explore a shipwreck from long ago. The diver reads a "book of myths" before entering the ocean line to explore the damage of the wreck. The "book of myths" represents the past, or old tales, we all have to confront at some point in our lives. I won't write a complete analysis of the poem for the sake of losing you, but I think everyone can relate to this poem personally in one way or another.

Because of my intense attraction and connection to this poem, I decided to look up the biographical context of the author, Adrienne Rich, to find out whether or not my personal reasoning for liking the poem was in any way related to her reasons for writing it. Rich was a successful feminist poet who published many books of poems in her lifetime. In her younger years, while pursuing degrees and writing, she managed to also live somewhat of an "American Dream" lifestyle during those times- white picket fence, kids, husband, etc. Somewhere during this seemingly perfect life of a professional poet and wife, Rich jumped off the bandwagon and experimented with her sexuality. Rich became involved with another woman and abandoned her husband and children. She still wrote poetry. Her husband eventually committed suicide and it is unknown what happened to her children. I believe "Diving into the Wreck" is a poem about Rich's sexuality and how it destroyed the people around her. She describes how she has to go into the wreck alone and how she needs to "see the wreck and not the story of the wreck" or see the damage rather than hearing how it all happened.

"Diving into the Wreck" was even more powerful to me once I knew more about Rich. Although my connection to the poem isn't related to her exploration of sexuality and the result thereafter, I feel like we have all done things in our past or our present we have trouble facing or seeing as is. It's easy to run away from the past that makes us cringe, but there will always be a time whether unexpected or sought after we will have to face it and either suffer from the outcomes of our actions or be better because of it. Either way, give it a read. You may not feel the same way as me, or even like it at all, but I do think it is something we can all think about.

The Androgynous

My mom said something to me this summer that sort of stuck with me. Does our generation confuse the love we have for our friends with the love we have for our lovers? With sexual preference not being an issue? I can be honest and say a few years ago I had a relationship with a girlfriend of mine that did stumble across that line. I couldn't depict whether the feelings I had for her were friendship feelings, romantic feelings, or both. Nothing ever happened between the two of us past being extremely close, but we did share a unique bond I can't say has revisited me with another female. Unfortunately, she moved away because of money issues, but we still remain good friends from afar.

The same sort of thing can be mixed with members of the opposite sex. I have a lot of male friends. My amount of close male friends outnumbers my close female friends at a rough estimate of 10 to 1. I can't be entirely factual about that, but if you know me, you know I hang out with guys and rarely attend a girls night out. I can say I have fallen for some of my guy friends, but it has never exceeded beyond friendship because in the end, what is it that I really want? The messiness of love and hate or a good solid friendship that will last a lifetime? It takes some strong desire to jump over that line.

So, girls, boys, hermaphorodites, or asexual, we have friends that we can say we truly love at a very unconditional, compassionate level. And sometimes we fall for them. But are we really falling for them or is there something else in our lives that pushes us into thinking we are "in love" with these people? Loneliness, curiosity, desires, fantasies, etc.

I believe there might be an exclusive bunch of us out there who may truly fall in love with human connection and human interaction. We fall in love with the charisma and souls of another human being. I can't say I know how I feel about one sex or the other. If I fall in love with someone, I fall in love with someone. And is it because our generation, more than any other, has the ability to act and think so freely about same-sex relationships? Maybe. We might be more inclined to act on these feelings without fear of being shunned by society or our families. Or at least we hope this is the case. I guess I don't really see the issue behind experimenting with our feelings and our intrigue with love. It might take us back, right where we started, or it might take us in an entirely different direction that fulfills desires and a happiness we may never have known if we didn't try it out. I don't see what harm that has on a person or anyone around them.

UnGodly Hours

Woman gardening at Oklahoma State University Central

I did one of those crazy things this morning that should be miserable, but is always the exact opposite. My roommates and I drove up Blue Mountain Road at 3 in the morning to watch the meteor shower. The show wasn't anything spectacular. There were more shooting stars than normal, but the black sky was in no way beaming with bright colorful streaks of leftover comet tail. It was just nice being with two of my favorite people at an unGodly hour staring up at the crisp starry sky in a remote area. We had blankets on and a thermos of hot cocoa. Soy, of course. Casey did an Indian dance to summon the sky and Doug laid on top of his truck. I just enjoyed the smell and played with Casey a little. On the car ride home I kept thinking about the nap I would take after I was done with work at the library. It was a justified nap and you don't run by those often. But it's gorgeous out right now and my desktop tells me it's 65 degrees. I don't know if I believe that, but I think I'm going to take a walk.

Workin' on it

La Fortuna in Costa Rica.
*My new thing is going to be random pics. Current, old, food, friends, family, what have you*

Pick it up. Put it away. Move on. The best relationship you will ever have is with yourself so it's probably best to take care of YOU when you feel like you are drowning in your own thoughts. It's no fun to scoff at others if you are an overweight drunkard.

Over the last year I have worked on me. I have worked on gaining myself back in order to function in this giant mess. I have been successful. My whole life has turned around. I have discovered new passions and a new happiness. Recently though, the world decided to do me a favor and test my new found self. Everything can't be perfect. My steady incline suddenly turned into an upside down bell curve. I didn't like it. At all. And, honestly, I don't think I have handled it well. Overeating, over-exercising, over-walking, over coffee-shopping, over-alone-timing, over-trying-not-to-feel-hurt. I was hurt. I am hurt. And that is okay. It's something I need to get better at accepting from myself. Instead of trying to avoid the feeling by obsessing over other things I just need to allow myself to take it in and let it sit. It's good to feel a little sad. The better times are truly appreciated that way.

So, things didn't quite work out the way I would have hoped for them to, but I'm also happy I finally have been able to feel a little human again. Today I had another breakthrough and I feel like every day will continue to lead me in the right direction. I still don't know what the hell I want to do, but this year has been pretty monumental in the small life of Ashley McKee and I have to remember that. I have a beautiful life. And beautiful people in it. And a new found appreciation for what is important. And all of that will continue to grow. Times are ridiculously confusing and difficult after you graduate. So many options, but so little clarity. What's right? What's wrong? I don't think there is right or wrong when determining your life. It's just a bunch of trial and error. I have made two errors in the last six months. I keep missing, but it keeps everything fresh. And something grand has to come out of that. Strapping young man (Emile Hirsch) on a white horse (preferably appaloosa) with a photo job in tow and a plane ticket to Ireland? It will happen.

In honor of one of my fave movies of all time, I'll give you a top 5 of my fave ways to deal:

1. Oatmeal and Bananas - If you know me at all, you know I have a thing for oatmeal and bananas in the morning. Put a little brown sugar in there and it's considered an amazing morning. Healthy eating can never stress you out. It never makes you feel bad.

2. A good run - It's hard, but a good, solid run gives you a feeling unlike any other feeling when you are finished.

3. Music - Mix it up though. If you listen to this song remember to listen to this song next.

4. Stepping out of the box- dancing to that last song in front of the mirror because that closeted rave-loving, synthesizer-adoring, techno-jamming gay man inside of you is really dying to get out. We all have those, right?

5. Talking to mom- if you have a mom who will let you tell her about your weird cycle of being attracted to bisexual men and experiences with hallucinogens back in the day, use her! She gets it.

Unknown

Some veggie orzo tomato soup for the sick. Delicious.

Screw the food blog. I'll write about food when I want. Got it. Just like everything else in my life right now, I'm just not sure I can commit to a food blog. Oh, commitment.

I'm at a standstill again. I'm just unsure of what I am doing, where I want to go, who I want to be with, what I stand for..... the standard questions that run through my head every hour on the hour. After coffee with my dear my mom yesterday afternoon, she once again reminded me that I think too much. Let me rephrase that: I over analyze the hell out of every friend, person, situation, and aspect in my life. It's my own personal hell and it takes a rare breed to get me out of it.

I'm ditching school. I don't feel too bad about it since I have already received a first degree. If it was a common bailout I might just THINK about it a little more. My adviser in the education program informed me it will take me about 3 plus years to get a second degree. I nodded my head and then spent the rest of the week pondering the idea of going back to school in Missoula for t h r e e more years of my life only be in just a little more debt, and only to come up on top with a degree that matches my other degree and giving me just a few more options and the same amount of money. Seems ridiculous, right? I will go back to school, but for a graduate degree and I want to think a little bit more about what I want to do. So, after this school semester is over I'll be back in the working field of Missoula and saving money and, of course, thinking.

I would like to say that I'm just a little frustrated. I wish this period of my life was just a tad bit easier on the brain. I guess you don't realize how stressful it can be to have no idea what you want to do or where you want to live and what direction or course you should be traveling. I guess I have the fear that if I just work a ho-hum job I won't ever get out of it. I have the fear that I will wake up in my 30s and be in the same place I am right now. Not knowing. Part of me also cherishes the relationships I have now. I hope I can continue to value this more than a glorious, money-filled future in the working world. I'm afraid, but I also need to loosen up because I'm tightly wound and feel a slight combustion coming on. Before my body blows up in flames, I want to remember what I do have and what I do enjoy out of life.

And before I go, will someone please save me from this scary world of the unknown. Coffee??? Anyone?

Season of the Squash

Squash has been my staple lately. It's good for a healthy-eating poor college student. I guess you don't have to be a poor student, just a poor human being who wants to eat healthy. Lately I've been baking it or stir frying it with other veggies, and adding black beans and some enchilada sauce and whatever spices you might think will taste good together. I've found it tastes fine just as written, but I've also put it on polenta or rice if you want a little more to eat. I have made some other fine tasting squash dishes using acorn and spaghetti, unfortunately I wasn't taking pictures of my food at the time. I'll make them again this month and post some pictures so you can SEE what I am eating.

*I did make the peach upside down cake and it tasted very good, but, unfortunately, it wasn't picture worthy. Soon.