Gotta Have Faith

August 16, 1995. Ashley is baptized Mormon.

Fourteen years ago I allowed a couple of young adult Mormon missionaries enter my home and a few months after that day I was baptized Mormon. I did this all on my own and practiced the religion for the next four years. It seems corrupt in a way, but my mom allowed it and she always kept my head in check. I was a good practicing Mormon. I attended service every Sunday and made it to most of the required social functions. I dove deeply into the church and made it a part of my every day life. I read scriptures daily from the Book of Mormon, prayed in the morning, afternoon, and at night, and I even attempted to hold a weekly family home evening with my family who are definitely not Mormon. There was a time when I was going to quit YMCA soccer because the games were held on Sunday, but my mom talked me out of it. This is what I mean by her keeping my head in check. She said, "If soccer makes you happy, would God be mad at you for doing something that makes you happy on His day?" It made enough sense and I continued to play soccer. The further the religion seeped into my daily life, the more judgmental I became of my mom's and my family's daily lives. I know having some preteen lecture her mother on why it is bad to go to the grocery store on Sunday or the importance of praying on a daily basis must have been difficult. I will be forever grateful to my mom for letting me continue to be a part of something that has had such a large effect on my life today.

I say that because I am fascinated by faith. I am no longer faithful to any type of religion, but I know a lot about different types of religion and tend to study up on it as much as I can. I enjoy talking to people about faith and what drives them to believe in something they will never see in their physical lives. I left the church when I was a freshman in high school. It was a mixture of things, but I do remember the exact moment when I thought the whole thing was a bunch of hogwash and I quit going to seminary (early morning lessons before school) and eventually quit going to church altogether. I use the term hogwash because I did have negative feelings toward the church when I left. That has sort of simmered now and I treat the whole experience as an early introduction to my sociological side project experiments. My cue to leave was when I asked a question and the only answer they could give me was to have faith, pray, and your question will be answered. I guess I started to think more for myself and I just couldn't believe this answer was quite good enough. I felt like it was an easy way out of answering my question. And the more questions I asked, the more I received the same type of answer. I had to go, but I still try to keep up with some of the families who took me under their wing at the time. I met some truly good people during those times.

I don't think I will ever be the type of person to attach myself to any type of religion or faith for that matter, but I will always have a great respect for those who can do it. Faith is an unbelievable thing. People dedicate their entire lives to religion, to something they truly believe in without having to have any sort of physical evidence that it is real. That is astonishing to me. Good or bad? I don't know. I can't answer that. Because how can you judge someone for believing in something that truly makes their lives better. It is real to someone else and they believe they are living for something and I can't say there is anything wrong with that. I wish I had that at times. I can't say I believe we are going to a higher place at the end of all of this, but it wouldn't be so bad to believe that there's something else after this life. If I were to tie myself to any sort of faith it would be Buddhism. None of it has been on purpose, but I find myself indulging in the simpler things in life and appreciating everything by the day. I don't know a lot about Buddhism, but from what I've read and discussed it seems I tend to unknowingly practice the ideals behind this faith.

The reason I got into a religious mood is because something happened to me the other day that pulled me back to reality once more. Everything does happen for a reason and everything can't be so coincidental. And that, my friends, is such a spiritual statement. I can't get around it. I can't deny that I have a little bit of faith lingering inside of me. I forget this as I am living day by day trying to survive, but it takes a small "coincidence" for me to start appreciating the 'higher existence' that hovers around me.

I was walking home the other day after debating for a while whether to stay out with a friend or curling up with a book at my house for a nice night's rest before early morning work. (I run into some pretty huge predicaments, I know) I really wanted to keep hanging out, but my responsible-self kicked in and I ended up walking home earlier then expected. On this walk I ran into a person I haven't seen or talked to in almost four years. I have sent off one letter, but I never heard back. This person is my cousin, Johnny. He will always be more of a big brother to me, though. We connect on a level that I don't have with any other member in my family. We are wanderers and thinkers. He taught me to play sports and he always spent that extra amount of time with me.

Johnny ran into a bit of trouble a few years back that took him away and it's been tough staying in touch. He is an incredible person and I can only say that I have thought about him every day since the incident that took him away from our everyday world. But he is back and I feel like we will have a lot more to talk about four years later. I'm no longer the little cousin and he doesn't seem that much older to me anymore. And because of the circumstances of the incident, I don't think I would have known he was in living in Missoula currently unless I had run into him on that random night. This whole happening made me question my existence and faith once more. I'm once again diving deep here, but life will hit you in these small ways and it is always good to take a step back and realize everything is sometimes bigger than it seems.